happy father’s day

i have a complicated relationship with my father.

One Year Anniversary and the Loneliness Epidemic

Hi hello, how are you? No, really. How are you? Recently, a friend asked me this question and I answered “oh you know I’m good, all things considered” and she said “wouldn’t it be great if we started honestly answering and actually talking about how we really are.” And so I told her. That I am good. I am healthy, my family is safe, I am surrounded by so much love. I’m thankful to have roof over my head and food in my belly. But, I am also exhausted. So fucking drained. I have been living the same day since March. And next week is the one year anniversary of the day everything changed. Not just for me, but for all of us. I didn’t think that the pandemic would ~end~ within a year. But I also didn’t account for the fact that, somehow, it got significantly worse. There is a spike in cases around the world, the virus is mutating faster than we can keep track, and an impending lockdown is looming over our heads

its been a while.

Hello my dear readers!

Happy new year! I took a month break from updating you guys to orient myself to 2021. I wasn’t sure I would survive 2020. it has been a long and tiring winter, but at last, spring is around the corner and I find myself hopeful. Something I haven’t felt in months.

Ghosts Of December Past

I like December. It feels like the entire year I have been holding my breath and when December rolls around, I’m finally willing to exhale. That feeling is more evident this year than any other year previously. Growing up, my mother made a big deal of celebrating Christmas. We are not Christians. But on Christmas day, I would wake up to carols playing, the smell of freshly baked plum cake, a tree decorated with presents, a Santa hat on the pillow next to mine with a note that said “You are loved.” Of course, I didn’t appreciate these little moments then. Last year, it was the first Christmas that i didn’t spend with my mother. Flight tickets were expensive and i had only two weeks off. It didn’t seem worth it to fly halfway across the world only for a few weeks. On Christmas morning, i woke up lonely and depressed, i missed my mother terribly and more so, i missed her Christmas celebrations. If you ask my mother why she makes a big deal about Christmas, she’ll say “It’s the last full week before the year ends and endings must be celebrated.”

Moon Shine

I am obsessed with the moon. All my life I have chased the moon. My love for the moon is so widespread amongst my friends and family, people send me pictures of the moon, facts about the moon, songs about the moon. Every night, since I was a child, I have tried to view the moon before going to bed. Except new moon nights, of course. It is no secret that I love the moon. I worship the moon. I love the moon like you would love a person. I worship the moon like you would worship a deity.